The Language of Emotional Intelligence

Oct 16

Posted in Reviews, Tools

Conflict Resolution Day seems like a good day to post a review of The Language of Emotional Intelligence: The Five Essential Tools for Building Powerful and Effective Relationships, by Jeanne Segal with Jaelline Jaffe. Not that conflict resolution is all it covers, but it’s certainly a key element.

To get the disclosure over with early, the copy I have was sent to me by the author, at no charge, for me to review.

Jeanne Segal is managing editor for the health and relationship site Helpguide, a psychologist and sociologist. She is also the author of Raising Your Emotional Intelligence.

Segal starts by thoroughly introducing her topic: communicating with emotional intelligence in order to build good relationships. Her point of departure is the “attachment bond” developed between very small children and their mothers (or equivalent caregivers), which is where we first learn our emotional vocabulary and where we draw conclusions about the emotional world and our place in it. Are we safe? Will our needs be met? If not, what do we have to do in order to be safe and get our needs met?

Unfortunately, for various reasons, this bond doesn’t always proceed as it should, leaving us vulnerable to emotional difficulties later in life. We might be withdrawn or clingy, aggressive or anxious, depending on our personalities and our experiences early in life. Stress, in particular, is likely to trigger problems for us, leading to relationship problems at home, at work and in our families.

The good news, though, is that a disrupted attachment bond is not the end of the story for us. Throughout life we have the ability to change, grow and develop and to learn new and better ways of relating to other people, and this is what Segal is setting out to help us do.

The heart of the book is the five “tools”. These are:

The Elastic, the ability to deal with our stress flexibly and appropriately.
The Glue, emotional communication based in an ability to experience, understand and manage our own emotions.
The Pulley, nonverbal communication which draws us closer to other people and attracts and holds their attention.
The Ladder, playfulness and humour which enables us to successfully negotiate potentially difficult issues.
The Velvet Hammer, conflict resolution based in the other four skills.

Throughout, Segal stresses the key skills of being present, being aware of what is happening emotionally for you and for other people, being able to tolerate stress and strong emotions, and communicating your feelings clearly but non-threateningly.

Woven into the text are a number of exercises to both assess and improve your own emotional development. They are simple and straightforward and well described.

The writing style is accessible, non-technical, with liberal use of bullet points, bolding and headings to make it easy to scan. There are plenty of examples given, brief anecdotes about people who demonstrate the problems or skills being discussed. Often, these are in two parts: the part that describes how they display the problem, and the part that describes how they later improve their relationships by using the skill. This is a nice indirect reinforcement of the message that change is possible.

As I read, I was thinking two things: firstly, that I wished I’d read this book 20 years ago; and secondly, that I’d made a lot of progress since then (underlining Segal’s point that it’s possible to gain these skills in adult life). It’s a good, accessible, practical introduction to an important topic and I will be recommending it to clients and friends.

The only thing I thought could have been notably strengthened is the exercises, since exercises and techniques for managing stress and emotions are a specific interest of mine. The techniques suggested, while good, are somewhat basic, and the descriptions are relatively brief. As an introduction to improving emotional intelligence, though, this book is an excellent start.

The Language of Emotional Intelligence: The Five Essential Tools for Building Powerful and Effective Relationships, 225 pages, is published by McGraw-Hill.

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