When I was at university, one of my friends was the son of an alcoholic.
I met Geoff (as I’ll call my friend’s father) several times. He was charming, likeable, and plausible. In my presence, he solemnly, and apparently sincerely, committed to change, to stop drinking, for the sake of his family. Being young and inexperienced, I believed him implicitly. I didn’t know that this is part of the typical alcoholic pattern.
It’s very hard to stop drinking if you’re an alcoholic. Geoff, sadly, didn’t make it, at least while I knew him. Some people do – my wife’s late uncle was sober for 40 years, the whole second half of his life. But many people don’t. Their apparently sincere promises of change are empty.
And it’s not just alcoholics who have this problem. Most of us make commitments that we end up not following through on. And if we do that consistently, it becomes a habit that’s hard to break. Our word comes to mean less and less. A friend of my father’s once summarised an acquaintence of theirs in a sad but true phrase: “One thing you can always depend on about him – he’ll always let you down.”
How to Break the Empty Promise Habit
It’s important to me that I keep my commitments. And yet, I don’t always do it. How can I, and how can you, become someone who people can rely on to deliver what we promise?
I’ve got better at this over the years (though I still have work to do), and here’s how I did it.
1. Become realistic about your own capabilities
I don’t always have a lot of energy. I know that. So before committing to something, I consider carefully whether I’m going to have the energy to follow through and complete it.
Your limiting factor may be time or attention rather than energy. Nobody can do everything, and we (and the people around us) need to accept that.
2. Develop your ability to say “no”
Some people find “no” a very difficult word to say. They’re often anxious people who want to please everyone. Saying “yes” may please people in the short term, but if you can’t keep your commitments – if the real answer was “no” – you’re doing nobody any favours by saying “yes”. You’ll just develop a reputation as unreliable, and who wants that? It’s better to give an honest “No” than a dishonest “Yes”.
If you’re afraid to say “no”, use some of the anxiety-relieving methods in my free Simple Stress Management Techniques course, and then try saying “no” to someone you’re reasonably comfortable with about something small. Notice how the universe continues to exist.
I had to discover that the hard way. I say “no” all the time now, and nobody turns a hair.
3. Ramp up
Everything is easier if you start with things you know you will succeed at and build momentum. That’s true of saying “no”; it’s also true of saying “yes” and delivering on your promise. Promise to do something that you definitely know you can do. It’ll help to get you in the habit of success, and provide a platform for succeeding at larger things in the future. It works like exercise that way.
In fact, exercise was one of the things that I learned to do this with. Rather than trying to reach some exalted level instantly, I started where I was and challenged myself realistically. It’s how you get stronger.
4. Value your promises
When you make and break promises easily, they become worthless, to you and to the people you make them to. If you start to make your commitments more rarely, they become more valuable. Think of promises as if they were money, and spend them wisely.
If nobody trusts your currency, you end up like Zimbabwe. You don’t want to do that.
5. Monitor your commitments
Some of the mistakes I most regret in my life came from hanging on too long to something that was never going to work. It’s tricky to learn to spot the difference between lack of self-confidence and detecting that you’re not going to succeed, but it’s a trick that’s well worth investing effort into.
If you’re not going to be able to keep your commitment, for whatever reason, admitting it early on will make it easier for you and for anyone else you’ve made the commitment to.
The other side of this is that if you’re keeping track of your commitment and it turns out you have more resources or more ability or more capacity than you thought, and you’re succeeding beyond your expectations, you can ramp up further and go epic.
This is one reason that it’s a good idea to keep a written record of commitments that you’ve made and review them periodically. The unrealistic ones need to go, so that the under-ambitious ones can grow and flourish more. It’s like a garden. You pull out the plants that aren’t doing well to give more room for the ones that are.
Action Now
What commitments do you currently have? What have you said to other people that you’ll do?
Write them all down and review them.
Which ones do you need to ask for release from (or release yourself from, since we usually have higher expectations of ourselves than other people have)?
With the energy, time and attention that you free up in that way, can you ramp up any of the other commitments to a more epic level? Or will you use that energy, time and attention to take care of yourself so you can deliver on your commitments better?
Let me know how it goes. And if you want help breaking the habit of empty promises (or any other habit), I have free half-hour habit help sessions until the end of February. Book one here.
This post is part of a series, How Not to Change Your Life.
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