I took part in one before (which is why I’m getting those invitations). I got about 300 new subscribers to my newsletter. But I’m not doing it again.

Why not?

Because part of the expectation in participating in those things is that you’ll promote the giveaway. And frankly, most – no, practically all – of the stuff in the last one was crap. The giveaway was HYPE HYPE HYPEHYPEHYPE from start to finish, and it was dominated by unprofessional promoters of get-rich-quick schemes (both literal get-rich-quick schemes and the personal development equivalent *cough* flawofdistraction *cough*).

I picked up a dozen things myself that looked less dire than the average. Some were competitive products to mine, others were “build your online business” sort of things. None of them were up to much, and some were just ridiculous nonsense. If there was a single new idea in any one of them, I must have overlooked it, because I certainly don’t remember any.

A few months later, I’d unsubscribed from all the mailing lists and deleted all the worthless material I downloaded. (If you joined the giveaway on my recommendation, my belated apologies. And if you subscribed because of the giveaway, and you’re still here - well, I hope that means that something good came of it.)

What I’m going to do instead of taking part in that giveaway is to point you to the best personal development resources I know of personally on the web. I’ve got three criteria for inclusion:

1. The person producing the resource is genuine, not a non-stop crazy hype machine, and has a good story to tell about their own personal development journey.
2. It contains original ideas and material I haven’t seen anywhere else. It’s not just restating truisms that anyone with half a brain could figure out for themselves.
3. It’s practical, and tells you how to apply the principles it’s teaching in real life.

Now, you’d think that there’d be a huge mass of material that would meet those three simple criteria, but if there is then it’s hiding in the Dark Matter internet where I can’t see it. If there’s someone out there doing this stuff that I haven’t noticed, by all means jump in and comment below (no self-recommendations, please).

I’ll structure this by person rather than by topic, since (let’s face it) you take your personal development advice from people, because of the people that they are. And I’ll go in alphabetical order, to be fair.

Some of the resources I’ll mention are free, and some are paid. Of the paid ones, some have affiliate programs, meaning that if you buy them on my recommendation (using my link) I get a cut. I only ever recommend things with an affiliate link if I’d recommend them without.

Steven Aitchison

Steven’s genuine personality shines through every line of his blog Change Your Thoughts. He’s not the greatest writer on the internet, but he has some excellent insights and a generous heart.

He has a free “best of” that you can get by subscribing to his newsletter. Steven is doing a lot of offers lately, I will warn you, for his own and other people’s stuff.

His leading paid resource is How to Become an Advanced Early Riser (link is to my review). It hasn’t got me down to 5 hours of sleep, but then I haven’t implemented everything in it. And it has got me up early to exercise, which has been one of the best changes I’ve made.

Leo Babauta

I’ll admit that I wasn’t that impressed with Leo’s Zen Habits blog when I first looked at it. It seemed too obvious. But maybe that’s his strength: he points out the obvious and draws attention to it in a new way. I’ve been following him on Google+, and I have to say I’m warming to his approach.

The only one of his resources I’ve read myself so far is The Essential Motivation Handbook. It’s a competent, useful ebook.

Vlad Dolezal

Vlad is one of the new breed of young coaches that are making the Internet a better place. I first came across him through his free course on procrastination.

To find out what Vlad’s all about, start here: Best of Fun Life Development.

I reviewed his truly excellent ebook Unleash Your Confidence back in March, and it got a great big tick in each of the boxes: genuine, original and practical. It’s the confidence ebook I wish I’d written – and the kind of material I wish everyone was producing, so I could recommend more resources.

Charlie Gilkey

I’ve recently subscribed to Charlie’s Productive Flourishing, and it’s refreshing to read something so intelligent and thoughtful on an internet that’s usually more full of fluff than a feather pillow.

I haven’t looked at any of his products yet so I can’t say anything about them. But the blog is unusually good. It’s primarily for people in creative businesses, but there’s personal development stuff woven through.

Aaand… that’s about it 

I’ll admit that I haven’t obsessively tracked down every personal development writer on the Internet and looked at all their products, but I keep my ear to the ground, and there’s really not a lot else that I’m aware of.

And, ultimately, personal development isn’t about resources you buy. A good resource can help with a specific issue, definitely, but personal development is about developing resources within yourself. The people I’ve mentioned can definitely help you with that, but there’s no such thing as “done for you” personal development.

So, what have I missed? And are there personal development resources you’re looking for that you can’t find (or can only find crappy examples of)?

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I’m in the lead-up to launching my Stop Procrastinating, Start Succeeding course (the launch date is 22 November), so I asked a bunch of people a couple of brief questions about procrastination – what they struggle with and how they deal with it. These are people whose blogs I follow, or who follow me on Twitter, mostly – but all people with businesses and websites, who therefore know at least something about taking action.

Some of them were (presumably) too busy taking action to get back to me. Others, or their assistants, did get back to me to say they were too busy, which is fine. But eight people generously took the time to share with me, and so with you, their tips for overcoming procrastination.

Their answers are below. Not only does this give you a chance to hear their words of experience, but you can also discover what interesting people they are and what quality material they’re publishing, because I’ve linked to their Twitter accounts (from their names) and their websites. They’re a good-looking bunch, too, as you’ll see from the photos.

Mars Dorian

Mars Dorian is ridiculously interesting at MarsDorian.com, where he consults on spreading your influence. Mars says:

Procrastination has many evil minions, but I believe that the lord is still notorious fear. Fear of ridiculing yourself, fear of screwing up, fear of making it not as perfect as it could be. Ahh, the list is endless. But fear really is the worst enemy in my life.

The way I fight it is all about NOT thinking. I have cultivated a naive aura, which I brought back from my earliest childhood. So, if you want to do something, you just do it. You don’t think about what could happen, you just GO FOR IT with the attitude of a naive child that’s curious as heck. It’s hard to get there, but it’s so worth it. Life becomes incredible when you leap before you think.

Jade Craven

Jade Craven is influencing the influencers at jadecraven.com, where she helps brilliant people become the rockstars in their industry. Jade says:

This may go against what other people are saying but I don’t have one main area of struggle against procrastination. For me, everything is a struggle. I’m terrified of change so will put off decisions that will result in new and different stuff happening. I’ve never freelanced full time until quite recently so I’m used to having frequent distractions.

While I don’t have one main area, there is one main reason. Growth. My business is growing at a fast pace and I find myself using procrastination as a tool to keep me within my comfort zone. I know I’ve been shooting myself in the foot by doing so but it took a while to recognize why I was doing it.

To deal with procrastination, I stopped rebelling against it. I’m used to working a certain way and I just have to make slight modifications. Instead of watching Star Trek when I’m stuck, I allow myself to watch an episode when I’ve accomplished certain tasks. I’ve hired coaches to help get some insight on how to work through the change. I have a totem tennis pole that I specifically use when I need to work through a tough situation.

I’m now embracing procrastination as part of my work day but it’s hard to maintain the balance between productive procrastination and doing nothing.

Henri Juntilla

Henri Junttila is showing the way to a passionate life at wakeupcloud.com, where he makes a living doing what he loves and shows others how to do the same. Henri says:

It goes in cycles for me. I may go through a period where I deal more with perfectionism, then another where I’m all into worrying, but in the end they’re all based in fear.

I’ve learned to trust my heart throughout the years, and I’ve learned to trust the process. We all go through our ups and downs, and they’re all there for a reason.

Sophie Nicholls

Sophie Nicholls is a fellow Clinical Hypnotherapist and personal development practitioner, who uses creative writing to help people find the right fit for their abilities. Sophie says:

My biggest area of struggle with procrastination? Those mean, nasty voices that say, ‘That won’t be good enough,’ or ‘You don’t have enough knowledge/experience/skill to do that…’

Those voices can be so persistent, so subtle, so persuasive. Sometimes, you don’t even slow down enough to realise that they’re there, whispering to you, in that wheedling or finger-wagging or just plain malicious way. Sometimes it’s easy to confuse those voices with the facts, the evidence.

To deal with it, just noticing the voices – your unhelpful ‘self-talk’ inside your mind –  is often enough. Becoming aware of them, with kindness and curiosity – ‘Ah, there’s that thing I do…’ – can instantly dissolve their power. Because these voices simply have no intrinsic value except that which we choose to give them.

Once you become more consciously aware that the voices – or a particular voice – are there, you can find all sorts of creative ways to work with them. It can be as simple as changing the tone of the voice to something more encouraging and reassuring. Research suggests that when we ‘reframe’ our self-talk to something more helpful, it’s very important to consider the tone of voice as well as the content. For example, we can ‘reframe’ the content of our inner dialogue but, if we’re saying the more helpful things with the same mean and nasty tone, it still won’t feel good. So find an internal voice that fills you with good feelings. If inspiration fails you, ‘borrow’ a lovely, reassuring voice from someone else.

And, of course you can simply choose not to listen to that particular voice. You can tell it to get lost or interpret it in a different way: ‘Ah, that’s the voice I get when I’m feeling anxious. I used to listen to it but I don’t anymore…’

Vlad Dolezal

Vlad Dolezal is a life coach at vladdolezal.com, who wrote the best procrastination course that isn’t my one. Vlad says:

My biggest procrastination struggle was with distractions. I would always be all concerned with being super-productive, jumping on my computer, all eager to start working… then get distracted, and spend hours on reddit, without anything to show for it except a few really cool links I could share with friends. Oops!

To deal with it, I learned that distraction actually doesn’t come from the distraction itself (I’m sure there’s a better way to say that :p). Rather, it comes from a tired mind deflecting your effort, because it’s too tired to deal with the work.

So I learned to take regular breaks, and sometimes just lie around thinking about anything and nothing at all. This lets my mind rest and then do the work when it’s ready. So, paradoxically, lying around or doing fun stuff, as opposed to always feeling pressured to be busy, is one of the most productive things you can do!

Robin Easton

Robin Easton is the author of Naked in Eden: My Adventure and Awakening in the Australian Rainforest. Robin says:

The feeling of being overwhelmed and not knowing where to start could sometimes slow me down or even stop me. I think this feeling can be more prominent in people who are creative in many areas. I am a writer, a glass artisan, a potter, a musician, a nature photographer, and moving into documentaries, and many other creative projects. For some years in my life it was hard to choose what to focus on because I wanted to do it all. And then even within each project there always seemed so many options, which overwhelmed me.

I learned to pick ONE project to start with, one I felt intensely passionate about. Then I told myself, “I am going to complete THIS project. I also will embrace any setbacks, rejections, challenges as part of the process. I will not seek out difficulties, but if they occur I will not let them stop me. I will simply assess them, learn from them, and continue my work.” So in essence I decide that I will not go into a project with the mindset that things have to be perfect. If I had that mindset I wouldn’t achieve a thing.

I sat down one day and made a list of everything I’d have to do to complete my book, including get an agent, and find a publisher. I wrote down all my ideas (and questions) just as they came into my head.

Once I had a list, I prioritized everything on it. I then started with item number one, and saw THAT as my project. I temporarily forgot about the rest of the list. This allowed me to focus on one thing at a time. It broke the project down into mini projects that became manageable. Every time I found myself thinking about the other thirty things on my list, I said, “No, forget them. Just be here right now.”

Pat Flynn

Pat Flynn is a dude from California who makes a living on the Internet. He teaches other people how he does it at smartpassiveincome.com. Pat says:

My biggest area of struggle with procrastination is definitely the distractions, especially things like Twitter and Facebook which I use for my business as well, so the line between work and play is blurred and I often find myself watching a youtube video or reading an interesting post that has nothing to do with my business, without even realizing that I’m doing it.

To conquer this, I actually invested in a laptop computer that is reserved for personal / play time only. All business stuff can only be done on my business computer, and any type of person things I do on the computer are only done on the new laptop. A lot of people have criticized me for this technique (saying it’s just an excuse to buy a new computer, lol) but it honestly has done wonders for my focus. When I’m in front of my business computer, I know that business needs to get done and I actually have Facebook and Twitter disabled, and only enable it during times which I’m investing in social media that is strictly dedicated to my business.

This technique has also helped me learn to turn off that “business/work mindset” when I really should be enjoying life and spending time with my family. Before getting the new computer, I would often think about the business or the work that needed to be done when I really shouldn’t have.

Catherine Caine

Catherine Caine provides website advice for delightful weirdos at beawesomeonline.com. (Katherine Kane was the secret identity of Batwoman. Coincidence? You decide.)

Catherine says:

My biggest problem is something I call Someday-Maybe Syndrone. I keep thinking of a thousand million cool things I COULD be doing, and never actually do them.

To deal with this, I schedule the important stuff. Especially the stuff that sounds cool but will always fall off the back of my priority list. Cool exhibition coming to town? I schedule it. Seeing my friend on the other side of town? In the calendar!

I resisted that for a looong time because it sounded boring and unspontaneous. But I get more of the stuff that really matters done.

Do you notice something else about these people? Most of them can help you with your next steps once you stop procrastinating and start succeeding. Hop on that link and sign up to get a $20 discount when the course comes out next week! (Don’t put this one off.)

(And if you have a website, mailing list or social media following and you’d like to partner with me in promoting it, in a way that will benefit you and your people, look into my Stop Procrastinating, Start Succeeding Partner Pack.)

Technorati Tags: procrastination, stop procrastinating, success, taking action

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These videos come from my 7-part free online course on personal change. Signing up gets you step-by-step email instruction, an ebook of change techniques, and a set of planning sheets as well as the videos.

Technorati Tags: personal change, personal development, change plan

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The idea is that they give you a graded series of exercises – you do five sets, three times a week, with the number gradually increasing. There are six weeks in the program altogether. At certain points you monitor your progress with “exhaustion tests”, doing as many situps as you can.

I’m tracking my progress using the third-party site pushupslogger.com, which has been set up  for that purpose, and it shows me that I’ve already almost doubled the number of situps I can do after completing two of the six weeks. (Over a period of three weeks, I have to say, because of, you know, life.) At the time of writing the logging site is running very slowly, but hopefully these issues are temporary.

I’m not sure how they figure out the numbers exactly, but it seems to be working for me. There’s an iPhone app, or you can do what I did and print out and fold the PocketMod booklet so that you don’t have to go back to the website all the time.

I’ll post again when I’m finished – that’ll help to motivate me.

Technorati Tags: situps, exercise program, core strength, exercises

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Because I’m a hypnotherapist and health coach, I don’t just do hypnotherapy but also offer practical lifestyle advice. Here are two dozen tips which I’ve put together as a one-page good sleep checklist to give to my client:

photo credit: MoonSoleil

The Sleep Environment

1. Is your bed comfortable?
2. Is your room quiet?
3. Is your room dark?
4. Is your room comfortably cool?
5. Do you refrain from mentally stimulating activities there?
6. Do you keep to the same sleep/wake cycle all week?

Sleep Aids

1. Do you get enough exercise?
2. Do you use relaxing teas such as camomile, lemon balm or valerian at night?
3. Do you have a carbohydrate/tryptophan/calcium snack (peanuts, sunflower seeds, wholegrain cereal, oatmeal and raisin cookie, peanut butter sandwich) or drink such as warm milk about an hour before going to bed?
4. Is your evening meal light, low-fat, high-carb, and medium- to low-protein?
5. Do you leave a digestive space of 2-3 hours between meal and bed?
6. If your feet are cold, do you use socks to warm them up?

photo credit: jpockele

Preparing for Sleep

1. Do you have a wind-down ritual before bed?
2. Do you avoid stimulating activities (TV, computer, work, study) in the hour before bed?
3. Do you use relaxing activities like a hot bath, meditation, quiet music, recreational reading before bed?
4. Do you make sure your exercise is finished 3 to 6 hours prior?
5. Do you avoid alcohol and nicotine before bed?
6. Do you avoid caffeine in the afternoon and evening?

Worry Management

1. Do you have a notebook by the bed to write down things you think of, so that you’re not worried about forgetting them?
2. Do you plan what you’re going to do the next day before going to bed so that you’re not lying in bed planning?
3. Do you know how to calm your body down with deep breathing?
4. Do you know how to calm your mind down with meditation, self-hypnosis or “anchoring“?
5. Do you know how to “let go” of thoughts and feelings?
6. Do you get up when you can’t sleep, so that you stop associating being in bed with being wakeful?

photo credit: dickuhne

Sources: Some of these are adapted from my earlier post (7 tips for a better night’s sleep), and some are from Vreni Gurd. The information on what to eat before bed is sourced from Ask Dr Sears.

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His statement goes like this:

“Hi. My name is ________. I want to be happier. I am willing to work at it.”

If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that simple doesn’t mean easy (or trivial). Built into these four straightforward sentences is most of what you need to know about improving your life.

photo credit: chuckp

“Hi.” Because your life is not a solitary life. Your life is lived, inevitably, in a social context, and by greeting and welcoming that social context – even if you dislike parts of it; by engaging with it, and by making use of it in a positive way, you’re able to improve your life.

There is really no such thing as “self-help”. Think about it. When you buy a self-help book, who is helping you? Yourself, obviously, because without application the book does nothing, but also the author, and everyone the author has learned from.

So, “Hi.”

photo credit: markhillary

“My name is __________.” We all know what our names are, but how many of us know who we are? Knowing something about who you are is an important first step to change. And change is how we become who we are.

If that sounds like nonsense, it isn’t. Most of us cover over who we are because we’re afraid that, if we told other people who we really are, nobody would want to know us. Freeing ourselves from that fear is part of the journey to happiness.

photo credit: pasotraspaso

“I want to be happier.” You may think, well, everyone wants to be happier, so what? But if everyone wants to be happier – why are so many people unhappy? Why are so many people doing nothing to become happier? Do you really want to be happier? Do you have a powerful desire for happiness that draws you forward past obstacles and challenges? Do you want to be happier more than you want to be safe? Because sometimes that’s the choice.

Do you want to be happier more than you want to not work at it?

photo credit: CarbonNYC

“I am willing to work at it.” That’s what changes “I want to be happier” from an idle dream to a plan. Happiness, for most of us, doesn’t fall off the tree into our hand. We have to climb.

In the rest of the series I’ll look at some of the techniques that are around for improving our happiness, but for now, contemplate those four statements:

“Hi. My name is ________. I want to be happier. I am willing to work at it.”

How far through the four statements can you get and mean it?

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photo credit: Celso Flores

I’m all for this. Not only am I all for improving health by non-drug means, I’m very much in favour of encouraging health professionals to think about ways of doing so and communicate those to their patients or clients.

So here’s a further idea: the “blue prescription”.

Let’s say that your patient presents with elevated blood pressure, digestive problems, general malaise, sleeping difficulties or headaches, is nervous and jumpy, irritable or anxious, or gets ill a lot with colds and other minor infections. You have some tests run and there is nothing serious wrong with them, but they feel unwell and tired nearly all the time. They’re perhaps a person in their middle years with a growing family and an all-too-slowly-shrinking mortgage, who’s consistently working overtime, or who works on long-term projects with a lot of pressure, or who holds a job with a lot of responsibility which they feel is a bit beyond them. What do you do?

photo credit: a.drian

Well, some doctors will either tell them there’s nothing really wrong with them and send them home (that’ll be $45, thanks), or prescribe medication that they may or may not really need or benefit from – antidepressants, perhaps, sleeping pills, or the ever-popular Losec to reduce the acidity of their stomach.

I propose, instead, the “blue prescription”. Just as the “green prescription” is a written recommendation for exercise, the “blue prescription” is a written recommendation for deliberate relaxation, with a referral to a yoga class, meditation teacher or (best of all, in my of course unbiased opinion) hypnotherapist.

For those without the means or inclination to go to someone else, you could provide a small brochure like the bookmarks that I give my clients outlining Dr Herbert Benson’s “relaxation response” practice, or even a recording like my therapeutic relaxation track. (It’s free for download from the page just linked to, and you can use it as long as you acknowledge me as the source.)

So there’s the challenge: start prescribing relaxation. We need more of it.

photo credit: exfordy

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I’ve just been through a good BMJ Learning module on Irritable Bowel Syndrome. While it’s aimed at doctors and will ask you questions about medication, it does have a good overview of the state of current knowledge about IBS and the various treatment options, though it doesn’t discuss causes or suggest investigating or offering advice about stress.

What it does do is recommend referral to psychological interventions (cognitive behavioural therapy, hypnotherapy or psychological therapy) if dietary changes and medication of the symptoms have not been effective after 12 months. Yes, it specifically mentions hypnotherapy – which is good, because hypnotherapy is very effective for IBS.

I’m subscribed to the BMJ Learning site, because even though it is mainly for doctors, now and again they have something there I can use (I originally joined for their Smoking Cessation module). It’s clear and well-laid-out and the self-tests help you to consolidate the learning. I’ve definitely learned useful things from both these modules.

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Conflict Resolution Day seems like a good day to post a review of The Language of Emotional Intelligence: The Five Essential Tools for Building Powerful and Effective Relationships, by Jeanne Segal with Jaelline Jaffe. Not that conflict resolution is all it covers, but it’s certainly a key element.

To get the disclosure over with early, the copy I have was sent to me by the author, at no charge, for me to review.

Jeanne Segal is managing editor for the health and relationship site Helpguide, a psychologist and sociologist. She is also the author of Raising Your Emotional Intelligence.

Segal starts by thoroughly introducing her topic: communicating with emotional intelligence in order to build good relationships. Her point of departure is the “attachment bond” developed between very small children and their mothers (or equivalent caregivers), which is where we first learn our emotional vocabulary and where we draw conclusions about the emotional world and our place in it. Are we safe? Will our needs be met? If not, what do we have to do in order to be safe and get our needs met?

Unfortunately, for various reasons, this bond doesn’t always proceed as it should, leaving us vulnerable to emotional difficulties later in life. We might be withdrawn or clingy, aggressive or anxious, depending on our personalities and our experiences early in life. Stress, in particular, is likely to trigger problems for us, leading to relationship problems at home, at work and in our families.

The good news, though, is that a disrupted attachment bond is not the end of the story for us. Throughout life we have the ability to change, grow and develop and to learn new and better ways of relating to other people, and this is what Segal is setting out to help us do.

The heart of the book is the five “tools”. These are:

1. The Elastic, the ability to deal with our stress flexibly and appropriately.
2. The Glue, emotional communication based in an ability to experience, understand and manage our own emotions.
3. The Pulley, nonverbal communication which draws us closer to other people and attracts and holds their attention.
4. The Ladder, playfulness and humour which enables us to successfully negotiate potentially difficult issues.
5. The Velvet Hammer, conflict resolution based in the other four skills.

Throughout, Segal stresses the key skills of being present, being aware of what is happening emotionally for you and for other people, being able to tolerate stress and strong emotions, and communicating your feelings clearly but non-threateningly.

Woven into the text are a number of exercises to both assess and improve your own emotional development. They are simple and straightforward and well described.

The writing style is accessible, non-technical, with liberal use of bullet points, bolding and headings to make it easy to scan. There are plenty of examples given, brief anecdotes about people who demonstrate the problems or skills being discussed. Often, these are in two parts: the part that describes how they display the problem, and the part that describes how they later improve their relationships by using the skill. This is a nice indirect reinforcement of the message that change is possible.

As I read, I was thinking two things: firstly, that I wished I’d read this book 20 years ago; and secondly, that I’d made a lot of progress since then (underlining Segal’s point that it’s possible to gain these skills in adult life). It’s a good, accessible, practical introduction to an important topic and I will be recommending it to clients and friends.

The only thing I thought could have been notably strengthened is the exercises, since exercises and techniques for managing stress and emotions are a specific interest of mine. The techniques suggested, while good, are somewhat basic, and the descriptions are relatively brief. As an introduction to improving emotional intelligence, though, this book is an excellent start.

The Language of Emotional Intelligence: The Five Essential Tools for Building Powerful and Effective Relationships, 225 pages, is published by McGraw-Hill.

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As I remark on that page, I put this together out of other people’s ideas, so why not make it available?

I hope it’s useful to my fellow hypnotherapists and to anyone who wants to try self-hypnosis. The audio version is also available here.

(Update: These are just part of my online self-hypnosis course Change Your Mind, which uses video, email and audio downloads to teach you my AIM method for focussing on your goals and improving your ability to deal with the challenges of life.)

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